Last of the series for now ;) And given the state of the times and all that, I should note that I realize my current issues are pretty darn small on the scale of things, and I am indeed quite saddened by the goings on with NOLA, and other more worldly matters. I just don't feel like I have anything to add about them, whereas I am finally getting my thoughts together somewhat on this close to home topic which has been building in my head for months ;)

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I have not changed my mind at all about the path I am taking, but it definitely feels a lot... heavier. I'm putting out so much up front, energy, pain, and a significant chuck of my life devoted to a process which is emotionally and physically unpleasant.

But Patri is also doing a lot: he's working to support both of us and the family we create, while helping me care for both the family and myself.

He's been amazing over the last year or so. As I'd told him, I often felt guilty, that he was doing so much more for "us" than I was.

There are two reasons for this. One is that he does do much more in the day to day sense. He works, he takes care of a lot of issues at home, and he helps me deal with my shit. I try to pull my own weight, but I am easily stressed and frustrated, and he's generally much happier just helping me than dealing with me when I'm so unhappy with my struggles. Plus, its not hard for him: things that take me a ton of effort he does in minutes without any strain. My being upset on the other hand, bothers him a lot ;)

And the other reason is that, I do contribute significantly to our relationship in my own ways. I think a lot about large scale issues, try to understand both my side and his, and to help us really understand what's going on and make big decisions that make us both happy. I think this is very important for Patri, because he tends to avoid such things, and ends up unhappy in the long run if problems aren't resolved, he can only avoid for so long ;)

I've made contributions that have had a huge impact, but its hard to balance out the effect of these v.s. day to day things, and since I have a short memory, the day to day often seems much more weighty to me ;)

But back to pregnancy.... I'm finally feeling like I'm pulling my own weight... plus a fair bit extra for the both of us ;)

I'm really glad that Patri does really want kids, and that this *is* something I'm doing for both of us. It was hard before when I wanted to go ahead with it before he did. I'm really glad that he did commit fully before we started trying. That he's with me on this, and does consider it something that I'm doing "for us!" Having his love and support is really what keeps me going these days.

Its just so crazy though having such a division of duties between us. I have to trust him so much! I definitely do trust that he will see that the kids and I are taken care of the best he can. And that is enough that I'm pretty confident that I'm making the right choice.

But I'm still scared about the more far off future. I really want to end up with him. For us to be partners for life.

With the divorce rate what it is, the fear seems pretty reasonable ;) After all, pretty much no one gets married not wanting to be together life long. But I do think that Patri and I have a really good shot. I think we work really well together, that we've worked out a lot of the big issues, and that the work we put in on keeping things good and making them better is exceptional.

His love of other people, in polyamoury and more general ways does scare me though, because I fear being replaced. Especially since he used to talk about wanting to have children with more than one woman ;)

We had a talk a while back, where he asked if I'd leave him if I found "Mr. Perfect." I answered yes, because I thought that his having kids with someone else would likely ruin our relationship. He said that would not do, and decided to commit with me.

And with that, I would not leave him for "Mr. Perfect," because no matter how great a guy is, someone walking off the street cannot offer what he and I have built together.

But I still know his preference, and one can always change their mind ;) So, having a big family is very important to me for this reason. It is also highly related to why I wanted to get going on making a family: because I don't feel that I have a whole lot of time to have a whole lot of kids.

I want him to be happy with his family with me. To not regret his choices down the road. And for him to stay with me.

But there's no guarantee, and we do have an open marriage, and some woman could always come around who isn't responsible with birth control and then decides that she "wants to keep it." I know that wouldn't necessarily ruin our marriage, hell, maybe she'd be totally non-possessive and make very little in the way of demands on him. But it doesn't fit my model of most women ;) And especially if I'm old and wrinkly having popped out several kids, and she's young and shiny and infatuated, well, its a scary notion ;)

But he has made the commitment with me to try, even though we can't be certain about the future, and that's what we've got. I talked to him about the idea of a vasectomy when we're done having kids, but I'm not sure that that's ideal either... after all, we could split for reasons entirely not his fault, or I could die, or many other possibilities... maybe I even might decide that I want another kid down the road after I'd thought I was done. Although he noted that perhaps we could have sperm saved, so that could be a good compromise if feasible. It would just be nice for if and when he does have a poly relationship with another woman that she didn't have the power to bring in such temptations.

And of course, who knows. Maybe 30yrs down the road he and I would be happier on separate paths, and what and who I need will change as well as his desires. Its just very much not what I desire now.

And I am trying to focus on enjoying the now. The future is what it is, life is about the seconds, minutes, hours, days, years... not about some end goal. Patri and I are very happy now, and we're going to love having kids, and I'm fairly confident that we will be together at least until the kids are pretty mature, and we're shooting for much longer :)

On the other hand, the decisions I'm making right now don't quite jive with that now do they? ;) I'm committing the next many years of my life to a state that is rather unpleasant, doing the long term trade off.

Or at least the medium term ;) So hard to make such hard choices with only one life to live, but not making them is a choice too and tends not to yield very well ;)

Life remains interesting ;) -----

p.s. Patri thinks that asking a guy to get a vasectomy, even in the scenario where they've had a lot of kids and they have freedom to have sex with multiple women, would freak most guys out, and that he was special for not being freaked out, but I countered that having a guy insist on a poly relationship would freak out more women than the vasectomy would guys, so he's made a poll. Given the unusual preferences of our friends in favor of polyamoury and no-rules-libertarians, I think I'm bound to lose our bet ;)