I know I should try not to think about it, and just take things one step at a time... or at least, that I should try not to think about it too much... but perhaps now is actually a good time to be thinking about it, as perhaps I can resolve some of my feelings early on.

Four kids is the number I've picked, although I'd consider three to five reasonable. Patri would like to have as many kids as possible, and I think four is about what I could handle ;)

Before becoming involved with him, I think I'd figured on two, maybe three. Never would have dreamed of more, but definitely wanted more than one, as I was a very lonely only child myself and did not want to put my offspring through the isolation I felt.

Considering it as a possibility now, I've warmed up to the idea of having a large family a lot. But pregnancy sucking has been putting the doubt back ;)

If I have four kids, that's three years of being pregnant!! Add another year of uber dependency for each kid and we're at 7, plus, its likely to take a little while to get pregnant between those stages, and they're still going to be very dependent for a while, so say I'm at roughly 10 years in birth/baby stage. And of course, that's just the beginning of child rearing.

10 years!

And I do not feel like I can spread it out very much. Yes, many women do have babies when they're over 35, but the odds of being able to do so, and of having a healthy kid, go down significantly after that point. I'd rather not make that bet given that I do have the time to do otherwise. And on the positive, if I have all the kids I'm going to close together, then I can get back to pursing more individualist pursuits sooner.

Right now I still feel like I have my identity. I'm Shannon, and I'm pregnant. This pregnancy stuff has really taking over my life, but its just what I'm going through right now. But after a few years of this, I don't know that I'm going to have much in the way of identity other than Mother, or perhaps, that-woman-who-is-pregant-all-of-the-time.

As Patri pointed out, Mother is a very worthwhile identity, and not to be taken lightly.

I agree! But its so... common ;) I don't want to be just another mom, I want to "be special," in addition to being a great mom! ;)

I can really see now why education and number of children tend to be negatively correlated! While some women pull it off, and I admire them greatly, I don't think I could hold down a career very well pregnant: I could probably go through the moves and all, but certainly not be a "go getter," not that I'm really an "up the career ladder" sort of person anyway, but I do have my moments and would probably want to be in that world.

But if I was pregnant, and caring for one or more young children, trying to pull off a career?? I'd go totally insane! Yes, there are women who do it, but let me tell you, they are *really special*! ;)

I haven't even had the energy or initiative to pursue the music teachers association thing at all since finishing off those last classes :( I worry its going to get harder rather than easier to pull such a thing off, but I think I can still do it. Its going to take some serious pulling together though. And of course, I feel very in limbo right now with teaching, given the impending birth, and not knowing how I will be able to handle newborn + teaching, and of course, the impending move, and the possibility that I'm going to have to give up all of my students and start from scratch in a new city.