I cannot "remember" pleasure or pain. I recall that I had them, and "that" they were pleasurable or painful. But I think that remembering is essentially reliving a moment. At least, that is what it is with me for other emotions. If I think about being angry about something, I get angry again. Hence why I try hard curb my natural tendency to ruminate: I just relive the problems when I do that, I do not solve them.

And more importantly, why I've embarked on the effort to put positive thoughts in their place, my makesmesmiley 10 things list just had its 2 year anniversary :) As Ruth once said to me, if you get rid of something, you have to put something in its place. Not that I've gotten rid of my ruminating by any means, but I've most definitely shifted the balance.

But back to the lacking memory of pleasure and pain... I suppose it makes sense: if one could just sit back and remember the intensity of orgasm or drugs or the like, they might be less inclined to go out and do pleasurable things.... but on the other hand, if I could manage brief recollections, as I do with other emotions, it might really help with times when depression hits and the world seems grey. To recall that there is this intensity, and that I have experienced it.

Likewise, not being able to remember pain seems both useful and the opposite. Useful in that; "who wants to relive *that*?!" But still, if I could recall exactly how awful pain can be, I might find it easier to be careful in certain situations that might benefit me ;)

Lack of memory of pain is a strong element in plan to go drug free for delivery. I *know* it will be a terrible pain... but since I can't really visualize what that is, its hard to fear it too much... although I'm sure it will be easier to fear once the time gets closer ;) As with pleasure, I've experienced very intense pain at various points... I think that there's probably a cap off point for pain: it just doesn't seem like it could be any more all encompassing than what I've experience, at least, in as much as I can recall from my analysis at the time ;) UTIs are a bitch ;) But of course, the more prolonged a pain the worse it is, and I certainly could experience more of that. Likewise with pleasure, I don't think anything could beat certain experiences I've had, but all I remember is thinking that at the time... the faint wisps I can grasp now make me smile, but little more. I suppose this is part of why I like my writing so much when on drugs ;) It is the most vivid memory I have, and the best way of sharing with someone not there for the experience.

But with delivery, more important than not actually being able to visualize my impending misery, is knowing that I won't be able to very well after the fact either ;) I may tell people it hurt terribly, but that will only be recollection of my thoughts, not my feelings.

Overall my thinking preference is for the long term, although its good to remind myself that the long term is made up of the short term, and that myself in the moment has value... that I am not just working to create some cumulative work of art: no one would be able to appreciate more than a fragment of it even if I were successful ;)

I think I may feel the most "real" when sharing stories of my analyses and experiences. When I feel that I am being understood and enjoyed.