Its been big ups and downs these past few days. Up most of the day, down currently. Chest is tight, feel very little provocation away from tears, or punching someone out ;) Tears are much much more likely though, as I have never punched anyone in anger yet ;)

It is rather like being on drugs, perhaps that I've been having more sugar lately is not insignificant to my current moods. Also the shit with my family history. Its hard for even me to tell how much it bothers me, given my T personality and all, but I definitely feel a stronger urge to eat M&Ms when thinking about it ;) Okay, there go the tears, I guess that's a good indicator ;)

But who fucking knows. I can't really tell what's real from one minute to the next. One moment I think I'm really onto something and clever and the next it seems childish. I guess that's not so abnormal, but its definitely exaggerated lately. As it has been during times of depression and the like.

Okay, maybe if I think about the euphoria and journal about that I'll feel better ;) Actually, if I can focus on it I know I will because to think about it is to feel it, which changes my state of mind. Although that may or may not be possible right now, as the current influence is likely hormone and/or sugar plus it being late at night and all.

The euphoria was cool, as by definition ;) Thinking about how I am actually going to have a baby. It hasn't sunk in at all yet. I don't think it will until it happens. But you know, the whole amazement about the whole process, the whole different way of looking at my body... I don't know that I can really describe it, it just takes on more meaning I guess: the ability to change like that, to become completely different, and watching it happen, having never experienced anything like it in my twenty-seven years prior, and even now its just starting. Part of it is probably that I've spent very little time around pregnant women and young babies throughout my life, so I'm extra amazed.

Like the first time I saw a penis at age 17, I really had no idea what they were supposed to look like, and I didn't have sex for a few years after that ;) One of my rationalizations for saving sex for marriage at the time was that it was one of the few things to try that I hadn't yet, and I wanted to save *something* for that special time. I'm glad I was talked out of my small-mindedness and have discovered that the world does indeed have much more to offer ;) I should call L and thank him :) Wonder how he's doing...

triple_entendre talked to me a long time ago about a friend of his with aspergers who takes a while to recognize people, including those she knows well. Several seconds upon seeing someone, so by the time she figures out if this person is friend or foe she's already involved with them, as conversation proceeds quickly. That's the synopsis anyway, he explained better ;)

Anyway, this has really stuck with me, and I've realized that I am indeed similar. Not in the several seconds way: I do quickly recognize people I come into contact with regularly. But not those I haven't seen in a while. If I don't see someone for a while, even sometimes as short as a couple of days, I basically have to emotionally "get to know them all over again." Even those I'm closest to, like boyfriends. I was reminded of that with Patri's return. At first I didn't know how to interact with him. I'd been in problem solving mode and wanted to talk to him about all the things we needed to do, but it took great effort to *play* with him again. Which is really the basis for our relationship. What's the point of following a script, doing what you feel you should, if you're not having fun? Enjoying life?

Thankfully Patri is not at all like this. Its hard enough with me withdrawing, when someone mirrors me in this its twice as hard to overcome ;) Its also all very tiring. Keeping regular contact with people is a lot of work, and in this day and age its impossible to keep touch to the level I just spoke of with anyone you don't live with.

That familiar flailing drowning sensation... grasping and disgustedly heaving aside what you grasp as far as you can for its deceptive lack of substance.

But really, that cynicism just comes from false expectations. Reality is what it is, anger, resentment, and all that jazz is just childishness pouting. Not that we don't all have our inner children ;) But at least for myself, recalling what it is helps dissipate the power. And relaxing makes me much more resourceful, with a wider point of view and more energy to pursue more well considered goals.

Things I wish to do right now that are not options: sleep, drugs, talk on the phone. I suppose some friends might be up, but I don't think most would appreciate my trying to find out ;) Annoying how I slip into this later and later schedule. I really wish for E right now. It brings so much into focus and makes it so much easier for me to connect with people, on a much stronger level than even my most relaxed normal state too. Ah serotonin ;) Its in no way an addictive craving: its been half a year since I last had it and I don't normally even think about it. Its just that I'm feeling so withdrawn and disconnected, that boost would be so helpful ;)

But despite not recognizing it emotionally at the moment, I know this feeling is only temporary. After all, I was feeling on top of the world this morning ;) But I have been craving it a lot in general lately. Quite likely as a result of the more extreme natural lows as well as highs. And knowing how good it is ;) Not only does it bring out a far more extreme high than possible without chemical enhancement but more importantly it helps me focus and find the roots of current issues. I would really love to be able to get a grasp on some of my inner turmoil right now.

But whatever, I'm not going to do anything stupid. While I can be very impulsive, I can also do things like not have sex until I decided I was ready at twenty, and let me tell you, it wasn't from lack of hormones ;) I impressed Patri by refusing to have sex with him for five days of sleeping in the same bed with him when we first hooked up. We did everything but of course, but because of extenuating circumstances I did not feel ethically okay with it at the time. Not that it really matters or that I wasn't being silly, but it matters that I know that I have an iron will when I'm serious.

Its odd how on one hand I'm going through all sorts of changes, with all sorts of responsibilities I feel that I'm desperately trying to keep up with, and on the other I'm bored and feel like life has been monotonous lately.

Eh, whatever, this angst will be gone in the morning and I'll feel silly for having written this... identifying with these feelings again some other future night ;)

One last thought on the "having to get to know people all over again" tangent, I just realized that I have another similar yet different problem that TE described of his friend. He noted that because of her slow recognition time, she often ended up treating people who were trying to get close to her whom she didn't know very well as close friends. Again, I don't think I do this in such an immediate sense, but I often feel very close with someone given a short amount of close intimate contact: like they're the closest person to me in my life! Its hard for me to disentangle this and figure out who is important to me at times, especially since I often feel removed from those who I *know* I'm close to and *know* I've bonded with strongly over long periods of time. And as he described with his friend, in a few cases I've been fooled for long periods of time, basically, so long as intimate conversation continues I feel close, and have a hard time getting perspective. I guess in that sense, its good that I go through occasional separations from those I love, because it helps me keep more real evaluations... although then again, according to Gottman this might not be good ;)

Chicken or egg, do I withdraw from people because I know I'm not good at keeping a good emotional distance from people I shouldn't, or am I not good at evaluating who is okay to be close with because I'm so distanced most of the time? Its a shame psychology is still such a young field, although great that its advancing so quickly :)

And of course speaking of psychology, I know I give myself way to much credit for being able to alter my perceptions. But also given what I know of psychology, I'd also say that this is largely a good misconception, as optimism is needed for persistence and to give hope of actually changing in a major way. The important part is keeping that optimism hope rather than responsibility, as with the guilt v.s. shame dichotomy. Not getting the ego involved: taking it as "here is something I can improve" as opposed to "here is a way in which I am imperfect."