I'd been feeling bad about how things worked out with Cindy, but in a good talk with tigresa I remembered that I had anticipated this problem and thought out potential solutions, and one solution I had come up with was finding another teacher for Cindy in a timely manner if need be, which I have done.

Having given more thought, I don't know that I should feel irresponsible. Although I was hoping for it, I did not know that it would happen at this time, Patri and I hadn't even agreed on a definite time frame yet, and I didn't know how long it would take me to get pregnant.

Its arguable that its something I should have disclosed, but it seems rather far off and awkward to do at that point. And while a minor inconvenience to switch teachers, I knew I would be able to give them enough advance warning to do so and not interfere with the mother's goal of certificate of merit testing. It seems in the category of "I might move," or "I might start classes," things of similar likelihood but also generally not mentioned over a year in advance.

I have had issues about all this from the start though. An overdeveloped sense of responsibility which causes me much stress and to take on less things to be responsible for ;) I've been trying to put things in perspective but am still not entirely sure how I feel about my perspectives ;) Haven't settled to a comfortable system yet.

One issue with trying to/feeling obligation to be responsible for things that may or may not happen in over a year's time is that it makes it hard to commit to substantial goals. It makes me feel a little rebellious/resentful that this particular and most prominent case is mostly just for women. But that's life, and I'm over it. Mostly. ;)

But regardless of what should or shouldn't me, its very frustrating to be putting one's life on hold indefinitely for months and/or years at a time. It was quite a while in which Patri and I were talking about having a kid before he decided that he really wanted to take on the commitment and was ready. I wanted to be able to spend a lot of time with my baby and breast feed for at least a year, which I don't think I could do with a full time job or similar commitment. During that time I didn't want to start anything requiring commitment that I would have to drop, such as school or a career, so I ended up with my life on hold for a while. I am glad that time has come to an end. But the question remains of how much to be "a responsible citizen" v.s. "responsible to one's self."

For many reasons, there was very good chance that I wouldn't have been pregnant around the testing time. If I hadn't taken her, I wouldn't have had the growth and experience that I've gotten working toward that goal, or the possibility of achieving it. If I didn't take her and didn't get pregnant I would have only had what little short term commitments I made and not much sense of fulfillment.

And Cindy might not have gotten a good teacher. While I am not perfect, I think I'm good at fostering a love of music, especially with enthusiastic students like Cindy, but its still hard with all the pressure and sometimes quite unreasonable restrictions her mother puts on her. For the time I was with her I was able to keep Cindy happy and enjoying what she was doing while also keeping her mom happy with progress in directions she liked.

And now I've interviewed several different teachers on the phone and found one with goals similar to my own (I asked the open ended question "what is your teaching philosophy" to the teachers before describing the situation or what I was interested in) and who has a lot of experience with the association and its testing procedures.