I'm not dealing so well with my current commitment/stress levels. I'm hoping its a passing phase: adjusting to my adjusting hormone levels, although I realize that this hope is probably very optimistic ;)

While there's not much I can do about pregnancy related hormones, there is one particular non-hormone related issue that is causing me a lot of stress and could potentially help a lot to get rid of...

Dealing with the music teachers association. I've been working with a teacher and we were figuring on trying to be ready for testing by September, but I just heard back from the person in charge of my testing and she wants me to be ready by end of summer so that I can go to a conference in September.

When I told the mother that I'd sign up for it I had no idea how much time, expense, and additional work it would entail. I've probably been putting more into that than the lessons I teach combined, and I'm just getting started ;) I first have to pass the test myself, then I have to go to a convention, get trained, train my student, and take her through the stressful testing process.

Assuming all goes well, I will be giving birth right in the middle of the intense preparation time for my student. The testing is in March and I think I'll be due in January.

Many people are probably thinking "I told you so" right now, and are right of course, it is obvious... I was over optimistic, and have been getting hit hard by reality these past few days ;)

So now, what do I do??

I absolutely hate the idea of backing down and not clawing my way through for both my student and myself, but I don't know that that's a good idea for myself, my fiance, or the little creature growing in my tummy ;)

It was irresponsible for me to have taken this on. Good to admit that. I should never have agreed to take on the student who wanted to test for this program when I knew it would be around the time I was hoping to be having a baby. It was just so far in advance that I figured I'd be able to make it work somehow. And I still might... I could do it if I push myself...

I don't know how women with careers have children ;) They do have significantly higher miscarriage rates, and I understand why at this point. I felt much better after haven gotten a good night's sleep after my last entry on the matter. I think it may not be so much that one necessarily feels worse, but that one's reactions are so much more extreme to usually minor inconveniences like not getting enough sleep or not eating in a timely manner.

So, I've been gradually moving from the "I said I'd do it, I'm going to do it!!" end of things to the "I need to take care of myself and my family" end... I'm very sad and torn about it... I really don't want to desert Cindy and am worried that she will end up with a teacher who does not mitigate the pressure her mom puts on her and will turn piano into a terror rather than an escape for her... (she was just telling me the other day how her mom was pressuring her to skip levels in testing so that she could do better than the rest of the kids in the extended family)

Its very hard to let go. But the person I've made the biggest promise to is Patri, and its been hard on him dealing with me as stressed out as I have been, and if I don't start cutting some stuff I'm not going to get better :( And of course, I've been reading all sorts of things about how bad it is for one's baby to have high stress levels while pregnant.

I really hate this. I was thinking earlier today that I'd talk to the mom on lesson day and tell her I'm pregnant and present it to her as her choice whether or not I continue, leaning toward her saying yes, but then I was thinking that maybe I'd present the same, but give her a list of association teachers and suggest that she talk to them if she doesn't want me to continue teaching. Now I'm thinking that I should give her that list and strongly recommend that she talks to them... or perhaps say that I can't take the kids... and perhaps I should talk to the higher-ups and get a list of teachers in the area accepting students... it really breaks my heart.